overwhelmed...

overwhelmed.....

i looked up the meaning in the dictionary and this is what it said:

To surge over and submerge; engulf: waves overwhelming the rocky shoreline.

To defeat completely and decisively: 

To affect deeply in mind or emotion: 

To present with an excessive amount: 

I think the last two meanings hit the nail on the head for describing how I feel or have felt this year.  

Overwhelmed.  

I know life is not supposed to be easy.  I know it's filled with lots of ups and downs.  However, it just seems this year I have had my share of lots of downs, way downs,  way way downs.  Sprinkled with ups.  

I know I have a lot to be grateful for this year.  I really do try to see the positive in most things.  And I have do believe that it's normal to feel this overwhelmed.  We all feel overwhelmed at times. 

I'm overwhelmed emotionally.  I would consider myself a very happy, joyful, loving, compassionate, and passionate person.  I love deeply.  So, I guess it's expected that when my head and heart have had some tough blows I feel overwhelmed.  I feel like at any moment I could cry and I do.....  And I have been crying a lot lately.  I can't remember a time when I ever cried this much.  And, I am tired of crying.  I am overwhelemd by emotion.

I am ready to feel joy.  Pure joy.  Only joy.  Happy heart joy.  Smile inducing joy. Uninterrupted joy!   

I have been on a yo yo of emotions this year.  Up down, up down.  I am ready to cut the cord.  I don't want to feel down anymore (well, at least for awhile anyway).  

I am overwhelmed....

Renee's Tree, 2012

On Sunday we went to the Christmas Tree farm to pick out our annual Christmas tree.  Each year it's the same kind of tree for us,  Noble Fir or Blue Spruce.  I have never been a fan of Leland Cypress or Pine trees.  They always seemed a little to flimsy and I thought our ornaments would never stay on the their branches.  However, this year we walked right up and I saw a line of Leland Cypress Trees in pots.  It's called a "Living" Christmas tree.  After the holidays you can take it outside and plant it.  Jon has wanted to do this for several years now, but like I said I NEVER liked these trees.  But this day one of these trees just popped out at me.

The kids wanted nothing to do with this tree.  They wanted to get our usual kind of tree.  I humored them and looked at those.  Needless to say they were beautiful trees, but something in my heart just wanted that first tree I spotted.

I asked them to take a look at the cypress tree agian, just one more time.  I stood right in front of it and I said to Jon, "I can't understand it, but there is just something about this tree???"  Jon replied,
"I think you are drawn to this tree because it's a "living" tree.  Maybe it's symbolizes hope? Maybe it's Renee's tree?  When he said this I cried.  Needless to say, we went home with "Renee's Tree". 

not ready yet...

 

I have been so excited about Halloween and Thanksgiving this year.  I looked forward to decorating and celebrating each one!!!

But with Christmas just around the corner I just can’t seem to get in the mood to deck the halls and FA La La!  

We usually put our tree up the day after Thanksgiving, but this year I would like to wait till Dec 1^st.  The kids asked me last weekend if we could start getting the Christmas decorations out and my answer was not just no, but no way!!!

I told them I like to celebrate EACH holiday because each holiday has a special meaning all it’s own.  

Halloween is a time for spooky stories, trick or treating, and such.  Thanksgiving is a time for Turkey, pumpkins, and being Thankful.  And each holiday should be enjoyed for what it is. 

Maybe I am a little reluctant to bust out all the Christmas decorations because I feel each year Christmas keeps getting earlier and earlier.  Stores start decorating as soon as Halloween is over (and sometimes even earlier!!!).  Christmas carols are already playing on the radio. Christmas movies are on TV!!!  You get what I’m saying????

Now, don’t get me wrong I still love Christmas and will deck the halls.  But, I am going to take my time and enjoy Thanksgiving first!  I have a lot to be Thankful for!

Gratitude is everywhere

One of my favorite words is:  Gratitude. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think to myself, or say out loud, or thank God for all the blessings I have in my life.  I experience Gratitude daily. 

Although I've always been grateful it wasn't until this year I realized how important and how powerful gratitude can be.  This year Cancer came into my life and with that brought lots of heartache, pain, and tears. But strangely it also brought joy and happiness. I honestly thought that I understood what it meant to be grateful, but Cancer opened my eyes to the true meaning of the word.   Sometimes its hard to find gratitude. And sometimes it takes a while (even years) to find it.  But, that's the challenge.  That's the lesson. 

Gratitude is everywhere!! Sometimes Gratitude is obvious.  Sometimes Gratitude is hidden and you have to find it!

I am grateful for (obviously)
my husband (my best friend in the entire world)
my children (the loves of my life)
my family
my friends
my health
ect, ect, ect.

But I am also grateful for finding it in.........
-piles and piles of dirty laundry!!  Do I like doing laundry?  NO!!!  But I am so grateful for my family that makes the dirty laundry!!  When I see a laundry basket overflowing and I recall that I just did 3 loads yesterday I take a deep breath and say a little thank you for the children and husband that made this dirty laundry!!! 

- for my washer and dryer which enables me to do all the laundry!!! I've had my share of broken machines...the terrible inconvenience of having to lug baskets of dirty laundry to in-laws house is not very fun.  So, I thank my machine machine each time I put in another load!

-for grocery stores.....just the other day I was shopping at HEB and gratitude hit me across the face as I looked at the isle filled with shelves of amazing food.  I thought for a moment and realized how lucky am I to live in a country where food is plentiful and the shopping so convenient.

-for broken hearts,   If I had not had my heart broken by an ex boyfriend I would never have know what it truly means to love someone.  I would not have met Jon, the best husband, friend, father in the entire world.

-Cancer.  I am not grateful for Cancer, but I am grateful for the relationship it has given me with my sister. I am grateful for the amazing child and family that let me wiggle into their lives that have touched my heart in a way that I never knew was possible. 

-Legos.  I love looking around my house and seeing Lego pieces everywhere.  I love that Legos allows my boys to create and imagine.

-my eyes.  It wasn't until I had eye problems a couple weeks ago that I realized how much I take my eyesight for granted.  I am grateful for my contacts and a patient doctor who helped fix the problem. 

I could go on and on.  I am grateful for many things.  I am grateful for something new each day. 
What are you grateful for?